Many of us know Olive Garden’s slogan When You’re Here, You’re Family. Well, I recently put that to the test.
The tables were wooden and nice to sit at. The chairs were also comfortable. The view wasn’t anything special, but there was a pretty cool looking van in the Walmart parking lot that had flames on its sides.
I was immediately offered wine, and after admitting I was underage, refused wine. If you’re going to offer me wine, please don’t rescind your offer. It’s common courtesy.
The napkins were probably the highlight. They were cloth and worked really well at cleaning the windows. One waiter told me I didn’t have to do that, but I insisted. After all, I like a good, clear view of parking lots. Who doesn’t.
Finally, it was time to order. I went with the pizza. The menu said I could pick four toppings, so I chose half portions of eight toppings. There were only seven to choose from, though, so I made one up. “…and blorgaspork.”
"Sorry? What is blorgaspork?"
"That’s your job to know, now isn’t it."
After a reasonable wait, my food arrived. It was a really good meal, not exactly overpriced, but not exactly underpriced either. It was just priced.
My waiter soon arrived and asked me if I wanted dessert.
"Steve," I said, "Have a seat."
"I have this business idea. And while I’m here, and we’re family, I was hoping you could give me a loan."
Steve tried to laugh it off. Like it was some kind of joke. I was offended and he could tell. “Steve, this isn’t a joke.”
Steve looked a bit nervous. I grabbed his hands and pinned them to the table. “Are we family or not, Steve.”
"Not in the literal sense…" said Steve. I wasn’t going to let him reason his way out of this one.
"Look, Steve. I cleaned your windows. Family does that for each other. They clean each others’ windows. Now, don’t you think I deserve that loan? We’re family, Steve, we’re family."
Steve handed me 13 bucks. “Thanks, Steve.”
Vulture: The ukulele over the last year or so has kind of become a controversial issue — it’s called cliché or too twee. Do you have a defense for it?
Cristin: Yeah, here’s my defense: Everything sounds awesome on it. That’s like saying the piano is twee. Everything sounds awesome on it and it’s easy to play — it’s like the ultimate party instrument, or just “alone on the porch” instrument. I get it — I know, a lot of young girls play it [laughs] — but I disagree. My dad actually bought me the ukulele I play on the episode.[thanks to jen for the pictures]